Is it me? Parental guilt and the act of self-forgiveness
Oftentimes when I meet with parents for an initial visit there are common questions: “What did I do wrong?” or “How could I have stopped this?” or even, “Do you think I should have done more, sooner?”. These questions, and ones similar to these, are common because they are relatable: the search for answers as to how a child started lying to his/her parents, went from honor roll to a solid D student, started vaping, doesn’t seem to respect the household rules, has such intense anxiety that it is interfering with their life, seems depressed and detached from those close to him/her, etc.
Here’s the thing, the search for answers and the desire to place blame really is a search for control in what feels like an uncontrollable scenario (e.g. “if I wasn’t so hard on him all the time about getting good grades, then he wouldn’t be so anxious about school”). However, because one thing (excluding traumatic events) is rarely solely to blame for the change in behavior, it is unlikely to be one easy solution to change things back. In addition, when parents are hard on themselves, they are modeling this behavior to their children. We want to teach our kids to work hard, be honest, and be accountable; however, equally important is teaching them self-love, self-kindness, and self-forgiveness.
One of the best ways to model self-forgiveness is talk with your child (e.g. “I’m sorry I reacted that way, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Going forward, I will make an effort to hear you out before responding and maybe take some time to myself if I don’t think I will respond calmly.”). As I previously mentioned in a prior post, no one should be surprised when a person makes a mistake (we’re human, it happens); however, we can control how we respond to those mistakes and how we wish to impart upon our kids what they may learn from them. It is possible to be accountable and self-forgiving at the same time. Perhaps the fastest way to teach this mentality to our children is to have them witness us practicing it.
If you ever have any questions about therapy, the process or need a referral, please reach out. I’m passionate about providing education and support!